Flashbacks
For over 3 years now I have got myself into the habit of not regretting my actions. I make myself believe that there IS a positive side to everything — however negative the consequences may seem. And when there’s too much to handle, I turn my back away on chunks of the incident to focus on every detail separately — counting for a better learning experience.
For over 3 weeks now, I have been getting flashbacks of my accident. The moment I drifted off. The moment I smashed head-first into the water. The blackout. The moment I realized I’m still alive. The moment I realized I’m about to drown, and I need to get out asap. The very few, tetra-fast moments I found myself unconsciously fighting for my life.. and it happens all the time. During lectures, tutorials. When I’m having a laugh with friends. When I’m discussing things seriously. I just drift off to a world of my own, and see it all over again. And it’s not something I have ANY control over! It’s painful. Not being able to control what I think of this often, especially when it’s really bothering me.
After all the thought, I couldn’t help but wonder how would things have changed if the accident never happened. If the moron had decided to stay home. If I had decided to stay home. If I were a few minutes early/late. Do flashbacks make us regret some of our decisions? Why the hell can’t I just forget how it all happened!